Let's Talk about Sex

Most people have some negative or challenging experiences regarding sex. Whether it revolves around trauma, sexual dysfunction, sexual frustration, self-consciousness, social conditioning, unkind feedback, or simply a wandering mind, many of us have a very difficult time staying present for our pleasure. So what do we do about it?

Let me introduce Sensate Focus Exercises. We'll call it SFE. It is one of the most widely known and effective sex therapies, and though it was developed in the 1950s by Masters & Johnson, it is still one of the most popular and effective sex-therapy practices prescribed today. It is a series of partnered exercises that get us out of our heads and into our bodies; it deprograms a lot of the negative, goal-oriented, and other-oriented thoughts and behaviors that keep us stuck. It moves us away from judgement and pressure, and towards connection with ourselves and our partners.

In my practice I hear a lot of folks describe anxiety-fueled, looping inner monologues during sex that go something like this: "Am I doing this right? Are they enjoying this or just pretending to make me feel better? Do I look okay? What about that awful thing my ex said about my body? Am I going to take forever to climax? Am I going to cum too soon? How long is this supposed to last? What am I doing after this? What's on my grocery list? Why the hell am I thinking about my grocery list?! Okay focus... But am I doing this right?" If this sounds familiar, trust me, you are not alone. It's called 'spectatoring', as in you are a disembodied spectator to the event of sex - worried about your performance, about disappointing the other person, caught up in traumatic thoughts of things that have happened or that might happen - rather than being fully embodied, connected to your own pleasure, and connected to whoever is with you in this experience.

So, what does SFE look like? It has four stages that start very safe and gradually increase intimacy. Usually it is done in short sessions with two people, usually starting at 10-15 minutes per person, where one person offers touch while the other receives, and then the parties switch places. With each stage you are building off the previous stages, so folks often choose to allot more time to each person for later stages. Often people practice once a week and stay in each phase for at least four weeks, sometime much longer depending on the needs within the partnership. During this practice, we are engaging in mindful, embodied touch. Unlike massage, we are not offering touch in service to the other person. Rather, we are exploring in the ways that we want to and being fully present with what we are experiencing. Of course, we never want to do anything that makes our partner uncomfortable, but we will create language so that we can trust that our partner will let us know if they need something different, and that way we can be fully present with ourselves instead of trying to anticipate their needs. I encourage folks to explore with lots of different parts of their bodies, noticing temperatures, textures, reactions, stories that come up for us, etc. We'll get into more detail about that later.

Before anything, we must Build the Container.

The container sets expectations that we can rely on. It includes the rules, agreements, and boundaries that we will hold sacred for the entirety of the exercise. One boundary is that during the first few stages of SFE we take penetrative intercourse and orgasm completely off the table for awhile. Before you panic, this is only within the container of the exercise; outside of the exercise you can have whatever kind of sex life you and your partner(s) want. However, within the confines of the exercise, we must be very respectful of boundaries and agreements in order to maintain emotional and psychological safety, otherwise our partners may not be able to let their guard down enough to have a reparative experience.

For example, folks often turn down any sort of physical intimacy for fear of what it will lead to. Say partner A offers something like cuddling or a massage, but partner B makes some excuse to not engage because they are worried that A will then want sex, B will have to say no, and then there will be hurt or conflict because of the rejection. Or maybe B says yes despite not actually wanting sex, and then feels resentful about crossing their own boundaries. This is why holding to the boundaries and agreements in SFE is critical: if you can trust that expectations have been set and will be respected, you can both let go of any vigilance and bracing against potential discomfort, and you are much more likely to both feel safe enough to relax into your bodies and into each other. I'll go ahead and describe the stages themselves, but below those I will touch on trauma-informed care if one or both partners need extra support during the exercise.

Phase one: Building safety

During the first phase, we will be avoiding erogenous zones altogether. That means all of the regular ones - genitals, breasts, buttocks, mouths - as well as any that might be more particular to the partner in question - ears, feet, back of the knee, etc.

As the person receiving touch, it is all about staying connected with the experience of receiving sensation. You may be conditioned to perform for the other person, by writhing, making little noises, etc., but I want to encourage you to simply notice that urge and gently bring your attention back to your senses, back to your body, as many times as you need to. It may be exceedingly difficult to do so little for so long, and that's okay. If you spontaneously make sounds or movements, that's totally fine, just try to get away from performing and into being.

As the person offering touch, you will likely want to default to something that you know, like massage, or tickle fingers, or something that is for the other person's benefit. Again, I encourage you to notice that urge and let it go. Use parts of your body that you might not usually use to explore someone else's body, like the inside of your wrist along their calf, your cheek along their shoulder blade, your hip against their side. Pay attention to all of the sensory information that you are collecting from your body as it contacts their body. Play with speed and depth of pressure, notice what comes up for you. If you slip into story or concern over their experience, just gently bring your attention back to your exploration.

Phase two: Increasing Complexity

This next phase is much like the first except it does include erogenous zones, but still stays away from goal oriented behavior, like seeking orgasm. We are trying to destigmatize parts of the body that often hold pain, fear, and trauma, to welcome them into the experience of the body as a whole. So, while it is fine to explore your partner's genitals, try to do it with neutral curiosity instead of sexual charge. It is totally okay if you become aroused in this phase, but please just notice it and move on, respecting the boundaries of the exercise. Building safety and adhering to agreements is paramount here.

Phase three: Mutual Touch

This phase takes away the turn-taking aspect, and focuses on how to explore and be explored simultaneously. Both partners are encouraged to stay connected to their own mindful experience of giving and receiving touch.

Phase four: Introducing Pleasure

Move through phases one through three before engaging in foreplay, positioning yourselves as if you are going to have sex, without actually engaging in penetrative intercourse for the first couple of sessions. Orgasms are absolutely welcome in this phase, but they are not the goal. In other words, if someone happens to orgasm during mindful touch, awesome, but the intention is to stay with curious exploration. After you have completed at lease two rounds of phase four you can add in penetration if desired, including fingers, toys, and genitals.

Congratulations! You have completed your introduction to Sensate Focus Exercises. But what happens when things don't go smoothly?

Trauma Informed Care during SFE

In an ideal world, touch is safe, boundaries are celebrated, and our partners are our biggest supporters and champions, but so often this is not the case. Oftentimes we have been unsafe for each other in some way, felt dropped, resentful, critical, withholding... Let's change that.

Part of creating the container is agreeing what to do if you need to communicate, pause, or stop the exercise. What does each person need in those moments? I highly recommend talking about this during the container building, before phase one. If you wait until you're already triggered/activated/uncomfortable you are much more likely to be acting from self-preservation, which does not bode well for the whole 'safety and vulnerability' thing. Get curious, ask questions, clarify. Some examples of questions you might want to ask include:

• What might get in the way of you feeling safe?

• Is there anything that you might really enjoy?

• Is there anything that I should avoid?

• Can you see yourself having a hard time telling me no, not yet, or not like that?

• Can you see yourself having a hard time showing up for me if I'm struggling?

• What kind of language do you want to use for communicating speed and how you're doing? (Red, yellow, green light is a personal favorite. If verbal cues are hard, holding your hand up like you're asking a question in class is a great way to signal that you need to stop, and thumbs-up is a great way to say things are going well.)

• If you call red light, what are some of the best ways for me to show up for you in those moments? (I like creating a trauma-informed menu to pull from, since it can be overwhelming to think of things under stress - do you usually like physical touch, space, questions, silence, a snack, etc.. For some folks, they are better at autoregulation, where they need to go inward and process things on their own in order to feel better; others are coregulators, who need to process things with another in order to find peace; some of us switch back and forth depending on the context, which is why it is so important to understand your partner's particular needs instead of assuming that they regulate like you do. For example, if you are an autoregulator and your partner needs coregulation and you give them space as a sign of respect, they may feel dropped or abandoned. If you are a coregulator and you don't give your partner space to autoregulate it may come across as invasive and they may lash out to get the space they so desperately need. Always check in and name your intention, and ask if that feels like a good fit. Consent is sexy.)

Also, check in with yourself. How will you respond to a no? How do you want to manage your own disappointment, frustration, or anxiety if your partner is struggling? It is easy to become activated in the face of a partner's activation, but it is our job to be a safe base for our partner. That doesn't mean that your frustration should go unattended to, but that we need to triage care and deal with the most acute thing first. Unless we are in danger, it is important to regulate ourselves and lean in, and show them that they can depend on us when things get hard.

Conversely, what would it be like for you to stop the exercise? Do you often feel guilty for needing care, or mad when your partner is unable to offer care in the way you feel entitled to? What do you need to do to in order to give yourself and your partner permission to be messy, to be human, to not "get it right" the first time? Remember, no one can read minds. We have to teach our partners, gently, how we want to be loved.

The most important thing of all, and I cannot stress this enough, is to stay curious. Allow for the unknown. You are trying to interrupt old, maladaptive patterns, and it will likely take some time to overcome things that you've been carrying around for years, maybe decades. Give yourselves time to grow. Someone way wiser than me once said, "fear and curiousity cannot occupy the same space at the same time". If you notice yourself getting angry, judgemental, or disappointed (all secondary emotions to fear, by the way), try to soften, get curious, and stay present. I imagine you will learn something new.