Relationship Check In

I jokingly refer to these as State of the Union conversations; this conversation is meant as a reflection of how the relationship is going in this moment. It's a time to bring up things that might be more challenging or sensitive, things that are going well, things that need attention, requests, offers, and more. Why is this important? Because being reactive in the moment rarely ever gets our needs met. When we bring things up as we are activated, we are much more likely to be coming from a place of threat - this will likely inspire defensiveness in our partner rather than understanding and support. Bookmarking points of conflict and bringing them up at a later time allows us to regulate our bodies and take some time to decide how to communicate something fairly, as well as trying to see things from their perspective. We can also take the time to remember that we are safe and that our partner loves us. Those facts can be difficult to hold onto when we are in survival mode.

First, find and schedule an amount of time that works for you both. I recommend doing this at least once a week to start. Allot somewhere between 40-90 minutes for this conversation. You're going to be taking turns, switching halfway through, so give enough time for each person to have the space they need. If you complete before the end time, great! If not, the remaining topics get tabled until the next State of the Union. Try not to go over 90 minutes - time boundaries are very important for building safety and predictability. These kinds of conversations can also be a lot of work and you may start to get tired and impatient. Remember, we all have different capacities and tolerances for intensity, so do try to be sympathetic if one or both of you starts to hit a wall, energetically. The goal here is to discuss sensitive topics in a regulated and supportive way, using healthy conflict strategies so that after the conversation you both still feel connected to each other ... ideally even good enough to go out on a date.

RULES of ENGAGEMENT: 

• Put the connection before the conflict: do not let the conflict become more important than the connection. We have healthy conflict in order to get back to each other. The connection is the goal.

• No personal attacks: you chose your partner for a reason. Stay in touch with what you appreciate about them. Respect and trust are the foundation of any healthy relationship. No name-calling, no criticizing someone's character, and no threatening to end the relationship.

• No blaming: instead of "you make me feel...", say "I feel X when you do Y."

• Don't take it personally: the fact your partner is hurt doesn't make you bad. We all make mistakes, it's how we show up to repair that really matters. 

• Radical self-ownership: the way we think and feel are our own. We are all entitled to our own experience, and a relationship is a place where we co-create a consensual reality together. If you're trying to win the argument or control the narrative, you've missed the point.

• Respect for boundaries: No is a complete sentence. Consent is not just sexy, it is absolutely necessary for safety and trust. Boundaries are how we choose to behave, they are not how we control others.

• Accountability: Understand that self defense is also violent. We often hurt the people we love when we're trying to protect ourselves. We are not justified in causing harm just because someone hurt us first. Both people can be hurt at the same time, and care for each other at the same time.

• Benefit of the doubt: our partners love us. They want the best for us. They would never intentionally hurt us. However, the only way to not hurt each other is to not be in relationship. So accept that you will step on each other's toes occasionally, that the intentions were positive, even if the impact was not, and trust that our partner will want to help fix the hurt if we ask for help. (If you genuinely believe that your partner is trying to hurt you, manipulate you, or control you, those are signs of abuse - you may want to consider whether this relationship is a good fit for you)

• Empathy: we take our partner at face value, believe that their experience is valid even if it is different than our own. 

• Collaboration: if you feel like you are beginning to feel competitive, it's time for a break. Pause the conversation and take some time to self regulate. Remember why we are here: to show up with love and integrity. We are not protecting the relationship if we're acting from our wounding.

• No abandoning: You don't need to abandon yourself to show up for another, and you don't need to abandon them to show up for yourself. Ideally, we can show up for ourselves and our partners at the same time. When we take breaks in order to care for ourselves, we name a time to come back together so nobody feels dropped.

• Use nonviolent communication: for a refresher, please reference somatopsyche.com/blog and pull up the article "How to Fight Better"

STRUCTURE: 

1. Partner A brings up a topic, trying to frame it neutrally, and acknowledging their part in what happened.

Example: Instead of "You're such an inconsiderate jerk! You always overshare and I'm left to pick up the pieces of my reputation" you could say, "You know I'm protective of my image at work. When you share personal stories of me at corporate events I feel super exposed and embarrassed. I would love to feel protected by you. Would you be willing to keep things professional with my coworkers and bosses instead of treating them like our close friends?" What was good about the second delivery? Partner A owned their insecurity, was very specific about exactly what happened, and made a request - not a demand - about how they would like to be cared for in the future.

2. Partner B offers understanding, remorse, and repair. Once partner A feels heard, seen, and understood, partner B can ask to share their experience and intention.

*Impact must be attended to before intent. We often get defensive and try to prove that we haven't done anything wrong, but in that defensiveness we are dropping our partner's bid for connection, ignoring their ask for care in favor of protecting our ego. Communicating what you meant to have happen can wait until after you've expressed that you understand what happened for your partner and that you're sorry they feel that way. 

Example: Instead of "I can't believe you're upset about that! I was just being proud of you", you could say "I'm so sorry that me telling that story was embarrassing for you, I can totally understand why you would feel vulnerable. May I share my intention? (A says yes) I was sharing the story because I was really proud of the way you handled that, but I now understand that it was inappropriate for me to share that without checking with you first. I promise I'll try to do better next time". What did we like about that? B started with empathy and seeing things from A's perspective. For accountability, B was very specific in naming exactly what they did that created the rupture of trust. They asked if A was open to hearing their perspective, and when they shared their perspective it was an explanation, not an excuse; they never minimized or dismissed the negative impact that occurred, despite the intention being positive.

3. Be sure to express gratitude for each other's honesty and dedication, and name things that went well during the State of the Union (ex: I'm proud of myself for being honest even though I was afraid of upsetting you; I'm glad that you were able to hear me even though you had some shame come up for you). Positive reinforcement is the best way to encourage behavior that we want more of.

4. Switch! Now the second partner has the floor to bring something that they would like help with, holding of, or healing from. Follow steps 1-3, and then try to do something connective to show that you can do hard things together and still be sweet afterwards.

To be clear, I am not suggesting that you pretend everything is okay, wait until the scheduled conversation and then drop a bomb on your partner that they are not expecting. You can name a rupture when it happens without getting into the nitty-gritty details of it. I like simple language like "ouch", or "that didn't feel good". Your partner will likely want to know what happened. Feel free to say something like, "I had a reaction to the language you just used, but I'm feeling too activated to talk about it right now. Let's save it for our check-in." If both of you have read this article, you will understand why it is important to respect that boundary instead of trying to push and fix it immediately. Take time to regulate - it is one of the most important parts of healthy conflict. As the partner receiving this boundary, an appropriate response would be "I'm sorry you're not feeling good. Is there anything I can do to help support you?" If you are someone who experiences a lot of anxiety around the unknown and feels compelled to push, fix, or pick a fight just to get it over with, try to offer connection instead. What is your goal? If your goal is to soothe your anxiety or reestablish safety, maybe offer physical contact or ask for reassurrance. It's tough having to wait and trust that everything is going to work out okay; try to take care of yourselves and each other as you are getting used to this new practice.