Why It Feels So Scary to Be Wrong—And How to Build More Accountability

Most of us have felt it: that sinking feeling in the pit of our stomach when we realize we’ve made a mistake, hurt someone, or gotten something wrong. Our brains often treat these moments like emergencies, flooding us with shame, defensiveness, or panic. But why does it feel so terrifying to be wrong? And how can we move from fear into accountability?

Why Being Wrong Feels So Threatening

• Our brains equate mistakes with danger.

  We are physically wired to see threats before safety. Long ago, mistakes really could be life or death. So from an evolutionary standpoint it makes total sense that we would feel like the world would end if we misstep. While our lives are safer now, our nervous systems can still react as if being wrong equals being unsafe.

• We tie mistakes to self-worth.

  Many people grew up in environments where love, praise, or acceptance felt conditional. If you learned that approval depended on “getting it right,” mistakes might feel like proof that you’re unworthy or unlovable. When we feel like our relationships are threatened, shame takes over. Instead of focusing on fixing the problem, shame makes us want to run, get defensive, minimize the impact of our mistake, or even pretend it never happened.

• Shame hijacks accountability.

  Instead of focusing on what went wrong and how to repair it, shame makes us want to hide, deny, or lash out. That reaction feels like it protects us but it’s actually blocking growth and connection.

Accountability doesn’t mean beating yourself up—it means taking responsibility with kindness and courage. Here are a few ways to start:

Reframe mistakes. Try seeing them as information, not as proof you’re bad. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” try asking, “What can I learn from this?”

Offer yourself compassion. You don’t have to be cruel to yourself in order to take responsibility. In fact, attacking yourself actually keeps you from showing up for the other person. If you collapse into, ‘I'm the absolute worst, why would you even want to be around me?’, you are making it about you. Now the other person has to make a hard choice: do they abandon their own pain in order to comfort you, or do they abandon your pain in order to take care of themselves? Kindness actually makes it easier to stay honest. Being kind to yourself doesn’t mean letting yourself off the hook—it means creating the safety you need to face your behavior honestly. Accountability thrives when shame isn’t running the show.

Own your impact. You may not have meant to cause harm, but if harm was caused, accountability means acknowledging the impact. Owning this truth builds trust and demonstrates integrity. 

There's a little phrase that I love: impact before intent. If you try to talk about what you meant to do/say while the other person is still hurt, they will likely feel dismissed, misunderstood, or dropped. Attending to your impact has to come first. Once you have offered remorse and repair, then you can ask if they are ready to hear your intention. If the answer is no, likely there's still some repair that needs to happen beforehand.

Repair and follow through. Accountability isn’t just saying “sorry”—it’s asking how to make things right, following through, and committing to doing better. Over time, this builds confidence that you can recover from mistakes instead of being defined by them.

(If you would like to go into more depth on healthy conflict, check out How To Fight Better)

Normalize imperfection. Everyone gets it wrong sometimes. What matters most is how you handle it.The difference between growth and stagnation isn’t about never making mistakes—it’s about how you respond when you do.

Final Thoughts

Being wrong will never feel comfortable. But it doesn’t have to feel dangerous. When you learn to tolerate the discomfort of mistakes, you open the door to stronger relationships, deeper self-respect, and genuine growth. When you practice accountability, you not only repair relationships—you also build trust in yourself. You learn, “I can mess up and still be okay, lovable, and welcome.” Accountability is not about perfection—it’s about courage.

Experiential: 

(Although this is designed to do with a partner, you can modify it to explore this topic with yourself by replacing ‘I am afraid you will believe’ with ‘I am afraid others will believe’. For step 3, instead of asking your partner for a reality check, imagine that a loved one is bringing these fears to you, and how you would react to them.)

Step One: Fill out the blanks. 

• If I disappoint you, I am afraid that you will believe that I am ___________

• If I anger you, I am afraid that you will believe that I am ___________

• If I admit that I am wrong, I am afraid that you will believe that I am ___________

• If I fail you, I am afraid that you will believe that I am ___________

• If I complain to you, I am afraid that you will believe that I am ___________

• If I ask you for help, I am afraid that you will believe that I am ___________

(Try to come up with your own adjectives first; if you’re struggling, examples of things that might fit here include weak, stupid, a bad person/partner, not good enough, untrustworthy, unlovable, broken, etc.)

Step Two: Elaborate on each fear. If you feel this way about me, what am I worried will happen?

(example: ‘If I admit that am wrong, I am afraid that you will think I am weak, and you will lose respect for me.’ Or, ‘If I fail you, you will think that I am untrustworthy and you will leave me’)

Step Three: Reality check. Have your partner tell you exactly what they think will happen if (x) occurs. 

(example: ‘If you admit that you are wrong, I will feel like I can trust you more because you are putting our relationship before your ego.’ Or, ‘If you anger me, I might need to take some time to regulate, but we are going to be okay. Me feeling anger just means that a boundary has been crossed, and if you are able to show up for me in my anger we can figure out how to repair that rupture and become stronger’.)

The next time someone points out a mistake you made, or when you realize on your own that you messed up, and suddenly your chest feels tight, your stomach drops, and all you want to do is hide, remember to take a deep breath and lean in. Even though your body feels like you’re under threat, you are going to be okay. Show up, be accountable for your impact, and commit to doing better next time.

Remember: you’re not alone. Being wrong, or realizing we’ve hurt someone, can feel terrifying. But the fear doesn’t mean you’re broken or incapable—it just means you’re human. And conflict, although challenging, brings us closer.