Experiential: Show Them

Sometimes we become disconnected from our partners. Whether you are feeling steamrolled, dropped, deprioritized, engulfed, or just unmet, this is an exercise that may help you regain connection with the person you love.

First let's talk about what not to do, and why. Have you ever become frustrated with your partner and brought it to their attention by saying something like, "why are you doing this/ why are you like this"? They probably responded with defensiveness, hurt, evasion, or retaliation, and suddenly the whole situation is even worse than when you started - you wanted closeness, empathy, understanding, but now you're both hurting and feeling very alone? Yep, we've all been there. This is Calling Out instead of Calling In. When we call someone out we are communicating either implicitly or explicitly that they are not enough, or too much, incompetent, or unsatisfactory (e.g. you never help out around the house, you're always so distracted, why are you so demanding, why can't you just stand up for yourself, etc., etc.). We are blaming them and making the issue their problem; it's only natural they are going to feel hurt and the need to protect themselves.

Conversely, when we call in, we have ownership over our feelings and we are asking for their help. This approach, if done well, communicates that we trust them and that they are welcome in our lives, even if things are hard right now. We can show them exactly how we want to be loved. Here are some guidelines:

1. Focus on what you want instead of what you don't. Be explicit. (instead of saying, "jeez, could you be any more insensitive?", try "can we be more gentle around this topic? I'm feeling sensitive and could use more softness.")

2. Use collaborative language like we, us, let's. (instead of saying, "I want you to make more time for me", try "I'm feeling kind of left behind - can we prioritize more quality time with just us?")

3. Give the benefit of the doubt. This is your partner, your person, and the likelihood that they want to hurt you is probably extremely low. (instead of saying, "you knew this was important to me; how could you ruin it like this?" try, "I know you would never intentionally hurt me, but that was really painful. How can we avoid this in the future?"

Experiential Time! Reset & Reconnect Exercise

We can do a whole lot of work cognitively, but since our bodies are so very effective at communicating, why not let them do a bunch of the work? We are literally wired for social engagement, attunement, and coregulation - I encourage you to trust our animal bodies to express where words may fall short.

Imagine your partner is experiencing urgency around something or maybe is just playing too rough. Whatever the loss of connection or misalignment, let's contact their body in order to coregulate. Gently take their hand and place it on your heart. Show them, with your eyes, your touch, your body language, the kind of energy you need from them in this moment. If you are feeling tender and protective of yourself, you can place your hand on their heart too in order to build that bridge while maintaining the space you may need in that moment. You don't need to say anything. Make some eye contact, and take three to five slow, deep breaths together. Once the two of you have reconnected and softened into each other, then feel free to call them in around whatever just happened.

Always put the connection before the conflict. The conflict can wait, even if it doesn't feel like it in the moment. Solving the conflict and/or getting your way does very little if the relationship itself still feels unsafe or fragmented. And I promise, whatever needs to be said will be much better received if it's coming from a place of embodied love, partnership, and collaboration.